STRUGGLING WITH "SINGLE?".. JR

STRUGGLING WITH "SINGLE?"

Although many single women feel very satisfied with their lives, you might at this moment be completely unreconciled to your situation: recovering from the painful end of a relationship or the death of a spouse... confronting financial or family problems... feeling lonely or worried about your health. By the time we reach age 50, for most of us, our lives have turned out to be more ambiguous and sometimes more painful than we could have known, and we may begin to feel we made the wrong choices, or we have not accomplished nearly what we could have. We begin to realize that getting older for most people is an ever-evolving series of challenges.  Women who are without a partner, in a couple-oriented culture, can get hit with some additional strong messages... BEING SINGLE - THE DOWNSIDE   Although the “old maid” stereotype has fallen by the wayside for younger women, we can still be seen, or see ourselves, as not quite whole if we are not validated by having a partner. At worst, we can be seen as threats by other women who are with a partner - sometimes even those who consider themselves our friends.   Our coupled friends may not have time for us because their time and their relationship needs are already filled.   Single women are very often not included in social gatherings with couples because it is “awkward.”   One of the more common and disconcerting experiences of the newly-widowed or divorced woman is to watch most of her coupled friends gradually disappear from her life after the flurry of condolences is over.   As we get older, we are more likely to be targets of sexism and ageism if we are not coupled. And we have some real practical disadvantages:   We don’t have a second income to rely on, or a second parent to accompany us if we have kids. We may have more difficulty forming the friendships with co-workers that make work enjoyable and lead to advancement, because our single status is seen as threatening.   We may not have a person who automatically will take us to the doctor, pick us up if the car breaks down, or go out to do something enjoyable on short notice. But most of all,   We don’t have that intimacy with one person who has chosen us above all others - which remains the powerful lure and the promise of marriage or a stable partner relationship. We might feel really lonely and not know how to navigate our days, and especially our nights, without the ballast of a close relationship. Being in a  loving, committed, and mutually undertanding and supportive relationship that allows each partner the freedom to grow is a rare and precious thing. It’s natural to long for that— that yearning may even be hardwired in our biology. But that's not the whole story... BEING SINGLE - THE INCREDIBLE BENEFIT! Being single, however you arrive here, can be a state of mind that confers a powerful, secret gift: Outside of the often-constricting family systems that flourish in couple relationships, we have the freedom to grow in any direction that arises from within, by any means we can put into action. We have the opportunity to explore what autonomy means, to choose our own experiences, to make our journey into ourselves, toward others, and outward into the world without justification or explanation. Finding and following that thread inward, which leads to the source of individual creativity and self-knowledge, is a prerequisite to growth and for coming to terms with ourselves before we die. How precious that is! And how much more challenging it can be to achieve when you are engaged in the dance of necessary compromises that all partner relationships require. Once you realize that even what seems like debilitating loneliness is largely a product of of your past life experiences and currrent belief systems, you have ways to move forward--first by beginning to sniff out and follow your own deepest interests (see theResources section of this site) and second by using very effective energy therapies to dismantle the beliefs and traumas that are keeping you stuck. The pain and difficulties of life exist everywhere. “Equality” of race, class, gender, or age is still largely a distant dream. "Success" in a man's world often turns out to be lacking something essential for us. But women in first-world countries have finally achieved unprecedented opportunity and freedom to listen to and activate our dreams and vocations, and to act to fulfill them in the world.  Let’s use it!